How to Know if Someone at Illinois Wesleyan Has more Money than You
They are most people here
They blend into mobs of dark blue blazers and pressed khakis.
If they don’t currently have more money than you
they certainly will in a few years
They stay warm with Canada Goose when they could be
paying three months of your rent
and not killing coyotes instead
They have strong arches
because they don’t wear flip flops from the Dollar Tree
They have a savings account.
With money in it
They are President Jensen
Or Calvin the Dog
Or frankly any of the squirrels on campus.
They get to leave exit counselling early
Or they have no clue what exit counselling even is.
You're wondering what exit counselling is, aren't you?
You’re a monster.
They buy Freshens smoothies
with real money
And
They order Papa Johns
to the north side
of the second floor
of Kappa Delta
at 5pm
three days a week
(Sunday,
Wednesday,
and Friday)
(Sometimes Saturday
if they’re looking to treat themselvvessss)
When not buying pizza
They eat at Fiesta
when margs are full price
Well,
they eat at Fiesta
Well,
They eat.
They don’t know where the secret cereal stash in Saga is
Or which security cameras point toward it
And the best place to stand to block them
On that note,
they can go to Saga
without plotting a heist every time
IF they even go to Saga
Like,
You know those people who always
have swipes to offer
because in addition to their meal plan
they go out
and buy themselves groceries??
I mean
thank you for feeding me
but what gives you the right to afford both?!?
And while we’re talking about shopping,
They have to shop for lube at Walgreens
So that
“Lovers Playground”
Doesn’t appear on
their bank statements
since
their parents are still
the custodians on the account
to make it easier to send
the monthly money for rent.
I mean,
shit.
They can afford lube.
The First Friday of each month
is just another day
The week leading up to that Friday
isn’t five days
of tragedy
and regret
for the previous month’s decisions
Or that bottle of lube
they optimistically bought last week
that’ll never see the light of day
if they’re being honest with themselves.
They don’t spend the week after
The first Friday
numbing their minds
with someone else’s Netflix password
to keep from watching
all their money ooze out
into ACH payments to keep the water on.
Sometimes the water shuts off anyways.
They’ve never
Replaced their own phone screen
Asked for Amtrak tickets for Christmas
Tried to get hit by a car
Sold their soul to the devil
Marked up an 8-Ball of cocaine
they got for their friends so
they could afford to participate
Or created an OwnedFags.com account
After waking up in cold sweats
on the first day of February
desperately hoping to find an old closet queen
who will exchange a month’s rent
for a pair of soiled underwear.
And finally,
They actually work their full ten hours a week
instead of sitting around
skipping workstudy
to write poems
for a class
they keep sleeping through.
They are most people here
They blend into mobs of dark blue blazers and pressed khakis.
If they don’t currently have more money than you
they certainly will in a few years
They stay warm with Canada Goose when they could be
paying three months of your rent
and not killing coyotes instead
They have strong arches
because they don’t wear flip flops from the Dollar Tree
They have a savings account.
With money in it
They are President Jensen
Or Calvin the Dog
Or frankly any of the squirrels on campus.
They get to leave exit counselling early
Or they have no clue what exit counselling even is.
You're wondering what exit counselling is, aren't you?
You’re a monster.
They buy Freshens smoothies
with real money
And
They order Papa Johns
to the north side
of the second floor
of Kappa Delta
at 5pm
three days a week
(Sunday,
Wednesday,
and Friday)
(Sometimes Saturday
if they’re looking to treat themselvvessss)
When not buying pizza
They eat at Fiesta
when margs are full price
Well,
they eat at Fiesta
Well,
They eat.
They don’t know where the secret cereal stash in Saga is
Or which security cameras point toward it
And the best place to stand to block them
On that note,
they can go to Saga
without plotting a heist every time
IF they even go to Saga
Like,
You know those people who always
have swipes to offer
because in addition to their meal plan
they go out
and buy themselves groceries??
I mean
thank you for feeding me
but what gives you the right to afford both?!?
And while we’re talking about shopping,
They have to shop for lube at Walgreens
So that
“Lovers Playground”
Doesn’t appear on
their bank statements
since
their parents are still
the custodians on the account
to make it easier to send
the monthly money for rent.
I mean,
shit.
They can afford lube.
The First Friday of each month
is just another day
The week leading up to that Friday
isn’t five days
of tragedy
and regret
for the previous month’s decisions
Or that bottle of lube
they optimistically bought last week
that’ll never see the light of day
if they’re being honest with themselves.
They don’t spend the week after
The first Friday
numbing their minds
with someone else’s Netflix password
to keep from watching
all their money ooze out
into ACH payments to keep the water on.
Sometimes the water shuts off anyways.
They’ve never
Replaced their own phone screen
Asked for Amtrak tickets for Christmas
Tried to get hit by a car
Sold their soul to the devil
Marked up an 8-Ball of cocaine
they got for their friends so
they could afford to participate
Or created an OwnedFags.com account
After waking up in cold sweats
on the first day of February
desperately hoping to find an old closet queen
who will exchange a month’s rent
for a pair of soiled underwear.
And finally,
They actually work their full ten hours a week
instead of sitting around
skipping workstudy
to write poems
for a class
they keep sleeping through.
